The Impeachment of King Lassic

he day before Nero was murdered, an emergency meeting of the Paseo Council was called. It was to be a most dire and serious session, for the council had a very dire and serious matter to determine. And that matter was whether or not to remove from office the feared and hated King Lassic.

Governor Sirus of Motavia, the most powerful man in the entire Algol System after Lassic himself, sat on one end of the long council table. All of the council members sat bunched together on the other end. Sirus thought that was odd, but he said nothing about it.

"All right," Sirus said, striking his gavel three times. "This meeting is now called to order. As you all know, we must now decide whether or not to impeach our king, Rayperd Lassic, for his crimes against the kingdom and for his blatant attacks on our Articles of Government. Before we begin, would any of you like to say anything?"

Sirus scratched his head. "Okay.... Let's get started, then." He shuffled through a pile of papers he had brought and pulled from it a green folder. "The first issue I would like to address is the unfair raising of the taxes and the restrictions on trade. The Articles of Government clearly state the Paseo Council, Skure Council, and Palman Assembly must all sanction any raises in taxes or changes in the trade laws. We were not consulted. Lassic has clearly violated the Articles of Government in this instance. Since his primary role is to uphold and defend the laws of the United Provinces of Palma, and since failing to do so is stated by the Articles of Government to be grounds for removal, I move that we should vote to impeach King Lassic."

Silence.

"Well...what say you?"

One of the councilmen stood. "I agree that this is indeed a crime," he said.

Sirus smiled and shook his head. "I'm glad you agree, councilman. That is very nice. But your agreement is kind of a moot point, considering that the Articles of Government clearly state--"

"However," the councilman added, "I do not believe that this crime warrants removal from office."

Sirus blinked. "Oh," he said, quietly. "I thought for certain that you would...." The councilman sat down and Sirus pulled a black envelope from his pile. "I have more charges for the council to consider," he said. "As we all know, it was a militant band of Dezorians that was responsible for the death of Queen Alisa Ossale and the disappearance of King Alex and the prince and princess. This is a known fact and the Dezorian theocracy, though it has never confirmed the charge, has never denied it, either. However, last summer, King Lassic quietly sold a large supply of deadly laser guns to the Dezorians. We believe that these very laser guns have been responsible for the deaths of numerous Palman settlers and explorers."

"Are you implying that King Lassic is personally responsible for these tragedies and those which are sure to come?" asked a councilman.

"Well...yes!" said Sirus with a nod. "The Dezorians were already dangerous, but if Lassic had not given them laser guns, they would not have been able to shoot at our people, would they?"

"But Sirus," said a councilwoman, "it is Dezorians who kill people, not guns!"

Sirus considered that for a moment. "That is true," he said. "Still, it was obviously irresponsible for Lassic to sell the guns to Dezoris. Agreed?"

Each of the council members nodded.

"And do we all agree that anyone who would do such a thing is a very bad person?"

The council members all nodded again.

"Very well then!" Sirus said, smiling. "It says right here in the Articles of Government that willful or reckless endangerment of the citizenry warrants impeachment!"

"But does it say the same about being a bad person?" a councilman asked.

"No, but--"

"I do not think that this crime warrants removal from office," a councilwoman said.

"I agree."

"I agree."

"Me, too."

"Yep."

Sirus stared blankly at the council for a second. "Wha...?"

"But we agree with you that he is a very bad person!" one of the councilmen said with a serious nod.

Sirus sat speechless for a moment. After that he pulled a blue folder from his file and said, "But let us now consider this! Last winter, Lassic had a fling with one of the tea girls at the now very hard to find Royal Palace. By law, a servant of the royal household who participates in such an act must be removed. At the hearing to determine whether or not the affair had really occurred, the girl lied -- at Lassic's request. Lassic himself appeared at the hearing and also lied."

Each of the council members nodded and muttered their disgust over the whole tawdry affair.

Sirus hesitated for a moment then said, "It says clearly in the Articles of Government that lying during a government preceding is a severe crime and calls for the removal from office of any offending government official. And look what it says here, in big, bold, black letters -- THE KING IS NOT EXEMPT FROM THIS RULE. Lassic also obstructed justice, tampered with a witness, and denied justice to everyone involved in the case. So, obviously, it is our very duty to impeach Lassic now! Agreed?"

"I don't see what Lassic's private life has to do with whether or not he should be removed," said a councilman.

"I agree," a councilwoman said. "True, to have an affair was wrong. But does that make him unfit to rule?"

"One might argue that it shows not only a lack of character, but a lack of judgment," Sirus said quietly. "Surely we do not want a king with bad judgment. But more importantly, it is not the affair that we are discussing here; it is Lassic's purposeful breach of his oath to adhere to and defend the Articles of Government."

The council members whispered amongst themselves. At last one of them said, "We agree that Lassic is a very bad man."

"Wicked," said a councilwoman.

"Eeeevil!" cried another councilman.

"However," the first councilman went on, "we do not see his filthy and perverted affair as grounds for impeachment."

"I agree," Sirus said, clutching his papers more tightly. "But what about the lying under oath?"

All of the council members shook their heads.

"His sex life is none of my concern."

"I don't care where he puts his scepter!"

"As long as he doesn't smoke cigarettes, it's fine by me!"

"Yeah, smoking cigarettes is baaad...."

Sirus stood up and cried, "Are you people all out of your minds?"

And one of the council members stood and said, "But Sirus, we do agree with you that he is a very evil person."

"Cruel!"

"Sick!"

"A sociopath!"

"The most despicable man who ever lived!"

Sirus collapsed into his chair and sobbed. After a moment he looked up and said, "But why do you want an evil man to rule over you?"

"It's not that," a councilwoman said. "It's simply that he's not bad enough to be impeached."

The incomprehensibility of the statement baffled Sirus to the point of total silence.

"Yeah, it's not like he leveled a town or something."

"But I'm not finished yet!" Sirus growled. He pulled from his stack a flaming red folder. He slammed it hard onto the table and bellowed, "Lassic ordered the razing of the entire city of Bortevo. The town was leveled and 98% of the residents were massacred in cold blood. Furthermore, it has been widely speculated that Lassic staged the attack simply to distract the people from the business of his affair. What say you to this?"

The council members went white and looked at each other. The councilman who had mentioned leveling a town squeaked out, "Allow me to amend what I said...."

Sirus stood perfectly still as steam poured from his ears. As he did so, one of the councilwomen pulled out a pink envelope and said, "And now I have a question for you, Governor Sirus."

Sirus sat down. "Yes?"

The councilwoman cleared her throat. "I was going through your top secret Investigative Bureau file, and---"

"WHAT!?" Sirus cried out.

"I'm sorry; did I stutter?" the woman asked.

"How did you get my top secret files?" Sirus demanded.

"Oh, is that the file that was on your desk earlier?" a councilman asked the woman.

The woman nodded.

"Yeah, I saw that on your desk. It had the royal seal on it, right?"

"THE ROYAL SEAL!?" Sirus asked.

"Yes," the councilwoman said calmly. "But I'm sure that proves nothing.... Anyway, it says in your file that at the age of seven you were charged with jaywalking as you crossed Ossale Avenue. Can you deny this charge?"

"What?" Sirus asked. "Well, no, but--"

The entire council gasped.

"I think that settles this," the woman said. "Obviously, you are trying to pin guilt on Lassic so as to take it off of yourself. Or perhaps you are just jealous of Lassic for his clean record."

"His clean record?" Sirus angrily boomed. "It's only clean because anyone who tries to arrest him gets themselves killed! Lassic has committed every crime in the book, from petty theft to murder to atrocities of war! What about the genocide of the Espers?"

"Be that as it may, considering this new evidence against you, it is obvious that you should resign from your post," the woman said. "You must at least remove yourself from any further meetings concerning the impeachment of Lassic."

Sirus fainted.

A hideous stench filled the room as Dark Force materialized. It smelled of corruption and deceit. The council members took a big sniff of it because it was so pleasing to them.

"How was that?" the councilwoman asked Dark Force.

Dark Force nodded and scratched his chin. "Pretty good." He patted each of the council members on the head.

An even worse stench filled the room as the leader of the Earthmen appeared. He smelled of cheap booze, cheap women, hog fat, and lard. He wore a robe of plastic turf from the back of an El Camino.

"I am so proud of you!" the Earthman leader said as he gave Dark Force a big hug.

Dark Force facefaulted. "I'm so embarrassed!"

"Don't be embarrassed, Darky," said the Earthman leader. He pinched Dark Force's cheek and said, "You're just so cute I couldn't help it! And I looove blue. Do you have a sister...?"

Dark Force blushed. "Thanks.... I did everything just how you told me."

The Earthman leader put his arm around Dark Force. "Stick with me, kid, and you'll go all the way. I know how people work and I know how to manipulate them." He smiled, bit his lip, cried, and laughed, all in half a second. "I mean, they don't call me Slick Willy for nothing!"

Fin. ...or is it?